Thursday, April 17, 2014

Crash & Yearn

It really isn't easy to get used to new meds, especially when the new meds make your heart pound all the time, keep you from sleeping, make things taste weird, have you relearning how to tell if you want food at all, send your blood sugar plummeting, give you painful indigestion and then there are the headaches. The constant, constant, unrelenting, unyielding, merciless headaches.

Apart from that, this stuff is great. I'd recommend it to a frenemy.

Actually this makes me feel deliberate, capable, powerful, and quiet. Impulsivity and anxiety are at an all-time low. Focus isn't great (because I'm exhaustedly tired and headachy and periodically dizzy from the blood sugar thing) and because of that it's actually easier now to do the wretched, dull tasks than it is to do the exciting, challenging tasks. Trying to stick to things that don't require a lot of, you know, thought, but that isn't a terribly viable option today.

It's been so long since I had a good hyperfocus, I'm worrying that I won't get one ever again. But I don't worry like I used to, and the fact that I'm not worrying like I used to doesn't worry me (which it would have, it really would). So not really terribly concerned, but to give you an idea of what I'm missing, this is how I described it two months ago:

All I can say is, there’s the rest of life, and then there’s the zone. And the best analogy I could come up with is luge. When you get into the track and launch, you have some control, you go fast and free and it’s some serious badass achievement that you can pull off, but what you cannot do is stop. What you cannot do is get out of the track before it’s finished with you. And when someone else pulls you out of the track, it’s like they pulled you out of life, and yet, if you had them killed, you’d be the one who went to jail.

I could really go for some of that feeling alive thing right now. That and some serious sleep.

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